I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.