I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.