If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Spa day..😅
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony