7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.