[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Autocorrect completely socks
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff