There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
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*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words