Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.