Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.