What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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