on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
the noise i just made
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.