The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?