Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.