If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
me when the borders lift
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.