[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“That’s what” – She
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.