When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.