When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
hackers play passwordle
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline