Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?