comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
You Might Also Like
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!