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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.