Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
😅😅😅
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
This is true.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.