Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
You Might Also Like
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Got ya covered
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Smells like a challenge to me
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.