So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”