dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
fair
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.