“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Worth the read.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*