*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
#ProTip
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*