Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Raisins are grape jerky.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
NASA has no chill
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…