Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide