Raisins are grape jerky.
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I can’t wait!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.