Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Every time my phone rings
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Guy who likes music
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The photographer’s assistant