I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.