Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas