a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Morning my dudes.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby