[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.