You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect