I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row