If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Hitlers gonna hitl
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.