Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
You Might Also Like
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Happy thanksgiving
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.