Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Sticker placement is key.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.