Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
#polloftheday
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.