No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
termite twitter scares me
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.