I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach