Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
mood
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.