Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
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Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?