What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Weirdly Wednesday.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
nobody’s gonna understand
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.