Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*