Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.