Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
She puts the hot in psychotic
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.