@DartsBofficial

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

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@DogGoing

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

@ManJuggs

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

@felixoshea

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

@iSpeakComedy

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

@Professor_Ryan

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

@Token_Geezer

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

@Midgetspar

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.