I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
You Might Also Like
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?