Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You Might Also Like
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Swedish for common sense.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
pep talk
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”