Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function